There was once a day that was not a day. How exactly everything came to be is a complete mystery – but we do know this. Samuel, the great unicorn King, was the origin of it all. It is believed, generally, that he was spawned in outer space as a result of the former sun exploding. Yes; before our sun, there was a different one. It burned with such passion that any sort of planet in its range would have been swallowed whole. From within this sun he emerged, wisdom and glory beaming through his horn as he dipped across outer space, slowly but surely putting himself in an orbit. Every time he completed a revolution, he went faster. For centuries upon centuries, he was mindlessly orbiting, contemplating his existence. Suddenly, he noticed a change. He was going faster than ever imagined, and in this circle he was creating a planet. At the time, he did not know what it was, but he knew that it was a powerful thing.
His place in the sky had soon come to an end, when before he knew it, he was falling gracefully from outer space. He landed on some pinecones—ouch—but he recovered shortly after. “Good golly,” he neighed, kicking his hooves furiously as he shook off the prickly, annoying creations. “No more,” Samuel roared, and the pinecones all disappeared from the land. And from there he traveled the earth alone, creating and destroying things like nobody’s business. This became routine for poor, old Samuel though. He decided he wanted a companion, someone who he could mate with and reproduce with. He took extra time in creating the perfect female unicorn; but one little thing went wrong when she was created. She was actually a He, and a complete replica of Samuel, but he had glazing black fur and anger in his eyes. He was his evil twin. “I am Jerome,” he declared, his nostrils snarling and panting heavy, as if he had just run a marathon. “And I am going to be the new ruler of this land! Just you wait and see!” Before he knew it, Jerome was far gone, flying into the distance to build his new army. Samuel was sure of only one thing: a war had been declared.
Quickly, he created an army. The soldiers were named Modesty, Generosity, Honesty, Caring, Kindness, and Loyalty. These were the elements that would forever shape the universe. In return, there had to be evil. Jerome named his evil soldiers Greedy, Grumpy, Conceited, Lazy, Horny, and Iggy (Ignorant.) Nobody really liked Iggy. The battle started at dawn in what Samuel called the lettuce forest, but it was all just evergreen trees. The battle was an easy one. Jerome’s army fell quickly to them, and no thanks to Iggy! Right when Jerome’s army had an advantage, he got over his ignorance and joined the team of light and sunshine, creating a portal to the underworld so they could shove all the demons down it. Jerome was the last one left, hanging on the edge of the ground, and Samuel stood at the edge next to him. “I am sorry, brother…” he began to lift his hoof, but Jerome pleaded. “Wait! Brother! Promise me one… one thing, and I shall never return,” he wheezed, closing his eyes. “Bring… back the pinecones.” And with that, he fell gracefully into hell and that was the last anyone ever heard of Jerome.
With an annoyed sigh, Samuel tapped his front left hoof twice and all the pinecones returned. He realized this earth thing was stupid, so he decided to be a god instead, and created a world above it called Bliss. And up Samuel went, his seven angels trailing behind him. From there he created 6 human families to start the world off: the Johnsons, the Smiths, the Browns, the Hendersons, the Hughes, and last but certainly not least… the Runes. Everybody’s passage to Bliss when they died was not guaranteed, but if they followed the rules he left carved on a stone, they would be welcomed with open arms.
The rules are as following (he updated them throughout the years and listed them in order of importance):
1. No socks may be worn twice.
2. The consumption of blueberries is prohibited, as they are Jerome’s favorite food and that’s not cool.
3. You must always laugh at jokes, even if they are bad or not funny.
4. No wearing plaid on Tuesdays.
5. When one has their twentieth birthday, they cannot wear any clothes for the full twenty four hours out of respect for Samuel because it took 20 billion years to make the earth.
6. You can only engage in sexual intercourse if you are intoxicated.
7. You must always be nice to everyone, no matter what.
8. Cats are to be respected at all times. If they want your food, give them your food.
9. Never read the newspaper.
10. You must always put maple syrup on your pancakes or waffles, and they must be absolutely soaked.